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Written with Code Igniter in PHP. Fuelled by tea.
I went out for leaving drinks with my co-workers today (some contractors got cancelled; nobody leaves by choice...). I enjoy the company of my team even when they are all pissed out of their skulls and I'm not, and those who know my standard attitude to drunk people will realise exactly how much of a compliment that is. People let their guard down after a few drinks, and you learn a lot about them. Amongst all the other stuff I learnt, it's just occurred to me that even at speech-slurring levels of drunkeness, nobody said anything even remotely approaching homophobic* all evening. That's very reassuring, as I have not yet addressed myself to the delicate task of coming out at work.
The whole concept of coming out at work is tricky. Firstly: is it even necessary, really? Sexuality doesn't really come into the working environment, not when you create web pages for a living. But there's a certain amount of casual conversation during the day, and then during a five-hour drinking session, comments on the attractiveness of various bystanders is guaranteed to come up, at which point you begin the politely evasive comments which can spiral so quickly down to the stifling emotional suffocation of being closeted. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. Not an option.
But how does one bring it up? If someone were to ask me outright, or ask if I have a girlfriend, that might be a good opportunity, but that's yet to happen. I did get one easy opening tonight: discussing (with the fifth person for the evening) my non-drinking, it came up that I go clubbing without drinking. So my co-worker asked if I perhaps took "performance enhancing drugs". I replied that I didn't, but I was often asked if I had any, which he said was ironic since I was "probably the only straight person there". This made me giggle internally, and I nearly replied about how unlikely that was, but he was then distracted. Ah well, I suppose it'll come up naturally some time.
The easy and hassle-free way, of course, would be for my co-workers to discover my blog. I've not really mentioned it to anybody, although one of my interviewers mentioned that he'd checked it out -- but apparently missed anything that might have clued him in. Maybe that'll still happen.
In general though, I'm really, enormously digging Yahoo!. I'm digging it so much that I'm actually obeying the ridiculous punctuation conventions that surround the company name. We do interesting stuff, we do big stuff, we do new stuff, and usually we do it properly. The resources available in-house are absolutely staggering: every piece of software we use (most of which is open-source, but heavily customized) comes with its own cadre of gurus, often including lead developers of the OSS project or the original inventors of the technology.
Oh, and tomorrow I finally get a permanent desk. Time to move in my Yoda doll.
* Mysogynistic, possibly, but not homophobic. And I'm selfish, remember? So all I care about is the homophobia.
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Comments
Bob
But I'm going to anyway, because I have thought a lot about it, and I'm nice, and smart, and I feel my view counts anyway. My view is:
If one's sexuality comes up, (girlfirend assumptions, straight assumptions, direct questions, whatever) then mention it. Mention it. Mention it. For everyone's sake, mention it!
Putting people right and *might* turn out to have really awful consequences, in terms of people reacting badly to it (and you can never predict exactly who's going to be a raging prejudiced git).
*But anything else is complicity.*
And I do know that that can be hard. I do know that there's an adrenaline-fuelled moment where you think oh-fuck-what-if-they're-a-homophobic-git. Because I do have that experience. Being straight I nevertheless have a sort of Categorical Imperative, a Kantian policy toward homophobia (and other things), which is that if someone is a git about it then I will put them right. And I will leave the nature of my own sexuality entirely up to *their* imagination, because saying "I'm straight, but..." is also a type of complicity. I regularly 'come out' in this kind of implicit way, by not saying anything about my own sexuality when someone is being a git. I think that's what the politics of coming out is missing, the fact that straight people, in the circumstance of witnessing homophobia, should simply not reveal whether they themselves even have a 'closet' or not.
Steven
How anyone can assume you are straight however, is beyond me. Maybe you just act differently. Go see a scary movie with your workmates, then they will know. ;)
Simon
It's no big deal, but getting it out of the way early made it sooo much easier. And more fun! Why not invite them all down to Popstarz?
ed
You may as well drop the bomb at your next opportunity, because otherwise you're going to be getting all kinds of 'subtle' inquiries, which will probably just irritate you (I'd be willing to bet that the "only straight there" thing may have been prying). Though it might also amuse you, so there's that.
But I'm straight, so what do I know?
Giles
As to 'out' at work, I was only thinking about this today; I’m not out at work and in some ways i really wish i were. For those of you ho know me this may come as a surprise as i consider myself a confident, confrontational person, however those who KNOW me will realise this is not really the case and I’m fact I am scared of a lot of things. I can't really say that the team i work in are particularly close although there is a certainly amount of banter during which i admit i have rather towed the line rather than give my honest opinion, again those who KNOW me will realise this is the shrewd part of me playing along for points. So what I'm trying to say is i have now reached the point of no return can't continue to tell un-truths it feels wrong and can't come out as i would like a prick in the past.
Laurie, my advice (although god knows why you should take some from me) is get it over and move on.
Giles xx
Laurie
Re: everyone's advice. I don't like coming out and saying "I'm Gay", capital G, because it then makes me into some sort of activist. I don't mind being an activist when it's necessary but -- and this is a subtle point here, so concentrate -- the very act of establishing oneself as Out and Proud makes one implicitly an activist, and declaring oneself an activist implies that the matter is still one that can be legitimately debated and hence requires activists. And I no longer feel like this is the case.
I passed through the militant phase that we all do when coming out, when we take every opportunity to wax eloquent about how great being gay is and how comfortable we are with our sexuality. Now I feel like it's a given that one should feel that way about one's sexuality, so there's no need to mention it.
So in summary: I will wait until someone asks me or it comes up :-)
Robert
Syntax
And I aint talking about fizzy drinks ;)