Dear Residents of Tooting,
Happy:

• Halloween
• Guy Fawkes' day
• Eid-ul-fitr
• Divali*
• Early Christmas
• Even earlier New Year
• Ludicrously late 4th of July
• Birthday

I appreciate that this is a joyous time and you wish to celebrate it. However, do you think there's some way you could consolidate all your religious, political and/or pagan festivals into a single, large fireworks display, rather than the current strategy of letting off fireworks continuously from late October until early January?

I'm sure this arrangement would make for a much more impressive display and also, importantly, allow me to get to sleep before 3am any night before February 2005.

* NB: I know it's pronounced Diwali; this is the Trinidadian spelling.