Still working on an update to the site... it's looking quite nice, if I can be bothered to finish it -- it's just gruntwork now. Everybody should have a naked cowboy in their life. I love crazy people.

I notice that I quietly let the one-year anniversary of this blog slip by nearly two weeks ago. But it's official: I've been wasting time like this for nearly a year now, with 137 blogs, an average of one every 2.6 days, which isn't too bad. It's probably a pretty crap record of a year really -- not much detail about me, not much about the world, all incidental stuff to the latest geeky site I've discovered. Don't expect things to change, either: I'm not egotistical enough to consider myself interesting enough to write about myself (*glances at the soon-to-be-renamed MetaData section*) well, not on a daily basis at least. And nor am I pretentious enough to consider myself a credible source of alternative news to the established outlets. So it's business as usual: This girl has an interesting website, an amusing take on life, and good web design skills. Were I straight, I'd probably ask her out on a date. As, apparently, most guys who read her website do. If you use KaZaA (and if you don't, why the hell...

Okay, my unsorted-bookmarks list has got long enough, so it's time to blog. In reverse chronological order: I am more than tired of the continuous, pointless bloodbath that is Israel versus the Palestinians. Can you stop now, please? I built an XML application in PHP to solve a small problem with the new design of Seldo.Com. Oh yeah, that update? Any day now... Keenspot continues to support quality comics. Thanks to Rik for pointing me to Lizard and the somewhat twisted Purple Pussy On the geeky side, the simputer looks cool. I wonder if it'd be any use in Trinidad? If you live in America and you've got any brains at all, stop the CBDTPA. The most evil law, ever, with the exception of lots of really evil laws like slavery and apartheid. But pretty evil. On the lighter side, Slashdot readers agree that the most suitable punishment for spammers is to impale them on big spikes. Who said geeks were soft-hearted? Lastly, I was much amused by Scott McLoud's morning improv, in particular Meadow of the Damned.

Hey, Slashdot posted a story I submitted! Yay.

You know what I really hate? You DON'T? Are you BLIND? There's a whole SECTION for stuff I hate! Yes, anyway, what I really hate just at this moment is buggy browsers. But let's start at the beginning. Where browsers came from How browsers developed The present and forward Where browsers came from According to all the Histories of The Internet that I just finished reading, the first web browser was created way back on or around January 12th 1992. Funny, isn't it, to think that the web didn't exist until then? Up to a year later, there were a grand total of 50 HTTP hosts -- so your bookmark file didn't have to be all that big, to tell you the truth. In September 1993, Marc Andreesen's brainchild Mosaic -- the first graphical web browser, the previous ones were text-based and command-based -- was released for Mac and Windows (it had been released for X-Windows, on UNIX, in January). It's pretty obvious to me that that was when the "big boom" started... a timeline of the Internet will...

I'm finding it very interesting at the moment to think about what causes friends and friendships to form, to fail, and to last, because of what some of my friends are currently going through. It seems to me that there should be limited set of reasons why people like each other, and that these factors must be fairly understandable. If that's true, we should be able to predict who will like each other, and who won't, which seems really useful. And, like all my theories, I aim to form some kind of method of varying these factors to control the situation. Control freak? Me? Nah. Let's split this topic up: What is a friendship? Why friendships form How friendships form How to maintain a friendship Why friendships stop How friendships stop How to keep the friends you want and lose the ones you don't, without hurting anybody's feelings. (aka: How to be a Manipulative Bastard) 1. What is a friendship? This is important to define. What is a friend, and what is a friendship? Where...

What do I want out of life, how best do I get it, and what factors do I need to consider? What I want out of life is happiness. This is always true, no matter how you look at it or reconsider things - everything boils down to a desire for contentment. How do I achieve happiness? My first thought is that in the simplest situation, I should be able to become happy by fulfilling all my needs. But "needs" are fictional. What we universally classify as "basic needs" - food, water, shelter, et al - are what are required to stay alive. However, we do not "need" to stay alive, if you think about it. We want to stay alive. Therefore, almost any need we come across has a want at its heart. This is important to remember. It means that any "needs" you find defined by any source are essentially false. So, hereafter, "needs" and "wants" should be taken to mean essentially the same thing. Now some people fool themselves into thinking that they should be happy once they have all their needs, and if,...

How? How can you do it? How can you? You who know the creation of new life as a chemical reaction you can draw, You who can show every step of the way to build up the very substances of our flesh, You who have seen the thoughts in our minds modelled as random interactions of simple systems on a computer still harbour such thoughts? You who know the basis of our bodies, minds and souls to be as simple at their heart as an apple falling from a tree, still find it necessary to believe in an explanation for the lights in the sky? Does all of this mean nothing? Can you discredit every original thought in the last thousand years as steps in the wrong direction and not know in your hearts you are making a mistake? Why can't you remember that not everything your mother said was true? Why can't you believe that when you believe so much else? WHY?

I just had an insight. It's been an awfully long time since I had one, or any kind of creative thought at all for that matter, since I've been out of school and my brain sensed that ceasing to function no longer brings any kind of meaningful retribution. It came when I did something I never expected to do: I turned off a Madonna song on the radio (which is odd enough) to listen to the sound of the rain on the roof (which is much more odd). Doesn't the phrase along bring to mind the most wonderful of all feelings, the warm, snug feeling of being in a nice warm bed in a nice cool room and the sound of the rain outside? It is distinctly a Caribbean, tropical experience I think, for nowhere else do you get such a vast prevalence of galvanised roofing in housing combined with the large, heavy droplets of warm tropical rain. And the reason the feeling is so good is also very hard to explain: I feel it must have something to do with a desire to be back in the womb, a trait I frequently recognize in myself...

It upsets me to realise that I am only really creative when I am unhappy. It's as if I can only create positive things when given negative input. This is doubly annoying in that it means I can either be creative or I can be happy but not both, and more importantly that I can be creative for only a limited time. This is because creating things, more than anything else, makes me deeply and long-lastingly happy. So the more I create, the happier I will become, and the slower I will create more. Realising this, of course, makes me very unhappy, but I doubt that mere frustration is enough to make me unhappy enough to create. So what is the solution? I always thought that what encouraged creativity was empty time to think, because I would frequently get my best thoughts just as I went to bed, or even in the middle of the night, or on vacation in a peaceful spot. But this was not really the case; the quiet times were when I *created*, but I got the *ideas* while annoyed and uncomfortable and unhappy the...

What just REALLY pissed me off: people who miss the point of art. In any form. I just saw a segment on VH1 in which 15 people consecutively failed to realise WHY Alanis is naked in the "Thank U" video. What is WITH these people, are they RETARDED? Thank you is all about the change in her attitude between the albums... she was bitter and unhappy before, but after the huge success of the first album she felt sort of guilty and fake, and she didn't like that, so she decided to be even more honest in the second album, showing that she really wasn't as extreme as that, that she has a softer side, that sometimes things are her fault and not somebody else's. The nakedness is a symbol of her new honesty, I mean, surely that's obvious? She's certainly not trying to be sexy -- what with stringy hair, pale skin and thunderthighs -- so there's gotta be some other reason, right people? But nooooo, people see naked and they think she's trying to be a slut. It pisses me off. And of course, this is just one...

I had forgotten what it was like to be closeted. I had forgotten, for a while, the motivation which had overcome even my greatest fears and my worst paranoia, back then, to tell people I was gay. I'd grown accustomed to the too-easy company of my friends, the way coming out to the latest person had just become an amusing game, which I'd promised to myself it would never be. I remember now the pain and the frustration and the constant nagging feelings of inferiority which drove me so close to tears and worse time and again before the bubble of friends had grown large enough to be constantly comfortable. I'd forgotten the way the guilt rises unbidden in your mind at every mention of the same sex and pools in your head, literally weighing you down. The genuinely painful feeling of gazing at a gorgeous man while pretending to be looking elsewhere. The way of being constantly vigilant for suspicious glances from him and others, of watching yourself for a telltale gesture or a too-long glance in the long...

I believe that science fiction is basically the only type of fiction worth reading. To see why, you have to go back to basics. Why do we read anything at all? I can think of three reasons: To inform To entertain To "enlighten" "Enlightenment" sounds fairly pretentious, but what I mean by enlightenment is "giving new ideas". Something that merely informs you is not quite the same: a newspaper informs you about the latest developments in the world, but in a framework you understand. A physics textbook, on the other hand, would enlighten you: you'd gain a whole new concept of the way the world worked, a fairly fundamental new way of thinking about something. All fiction is meant to entertain. But science fiction is the only genre which enlightens you. Read a suspense novel and you get a mental maze: complicated, but nothing conceptually new. Just because you can't find the way out doesn't mean it's not basically the same as all other mazes, everywhere. Worse again is straight fiction. Straight...

This article is an adaptation of an impromptu rant I went into on a mailing list, hence the somewhat light-hearted and ever-so-slightly aggressive tone. Science and religion are two systems with the same goal: to explain the universe. The most popular example of this explanation is that of perhaps the most basic question: where did the universe come from in the first place? Yes, this is a creationism rant guys, go grab your Bibles and come out fighting! The reason why one particular system cannot currently win, and maybe why neither ever will, is because when asked "Why does the universe exist?" both systems say "because". The difference between the system is, religion expects you to be satisfied with that answer, and science doesn't. Let me illustrate in two interviews: RELIGION: Q: So where did everything come from? A: It all came from God creating it. Q: Okay then, where'd god come from? A: He/She/It just exists. Q: But that's lame! A: You must have faith. Stop asking questions....

Have you ever had a sitcom moment? I think you probably have. It's a strange phenomenom of feedback from our own imaginations. Everyone already knows that humans learn primarily -- despite our best efforts at abstract education, almost exclusively -- from example, or at least practice. What we tend to forget is the range of things that we CAN learn, both consciously and unconsciously. We know we can learn facts and figures, we vaguely acknowledge that you can learn sports and other mechanical skills, and also that we can learn social skills. But we ignore that we also unconsciously pick up our entire repetoire of emotional and social responses to a very basic level; not just table manners and when to say please and thank you, but also subconsciously when it is appropriate to laugh and to cry, our sense of humour, our morals and our values. We tend to think that these things are very intrinsically personal, but this is just not the case. Racism, fundamentalism, egalitarianism, and democracy are all...

How accurate, do you think? Stage 1: Your first computer You view your machine as an all-knowing, awe-inspiring electronic brain that you must be careful of and respect, and not subject to temperature changes of more than 0.1 degrees lest it decide to cease working its flawless technical magic. Every day is a day of learning and discovery as you learn of new things your computer can do that you never thought of before. Stage 2: Your second computer You loathe your first computer. It was a mistake to buy it from those people, it was underpowered and slow, the software was out of date and the monitor a bad choice. It didn't do nearly enough. This computer will be a huge improvement. You view your computer as wonderful toy, and you enjoy the feeling of power and control in mastering its every function. Occasionally it does odd or illogical things, but that's something to do with you, and not really its fault. You eat your first pizza in front of the computer. Stage 3: The road to...

Yesterday -- that's April 4th, 2000, for those historians out there -- it was finally announced that Microsoft has been found guilty of breaking the law with it's monopolistic and generally evil acts. Now, I know most people won't care, but when has that stopped me mouthing off before? The reason Microsoft needs to be stopped dead in its tracks is *not* because it is a monopoly: it can be a monopoly if it can manage it, which isn't going to be for much longer. However, it's unforgivable sin has been using its monopoly in the operating system market to totally ruin entirely separate fields of software with their own crappy software which nevertheless dominates, simply by being included for free. And I don't mean Internet Explorer; say what you like, Netscape really dropped the ball with Netscape 4.x, a buggy piece of junk with sketchy support for the most useful new standards. Internet Explorer isn't perfect, but it IS better than Netscape now. I'm talking about fields like web servers, database...

Tonight's internal dialogue: world peace. Topical, eh? Method of attack: The way the world is now How it got to be that way Is peace a good idea? Is peace possible? How can we achieve peace? But I can't promise I'll stick to that; it's just an initial plan. The way the world is now As I sit here, one had to admit that the world seems pretty much doomed. The deluded and self-serving masses of the American Empire have been grievously stung by an unexpectedly deadly side-effect of the centuries-old conflict in the Middle East and have been convinced by the people who run their TV stations that the best way to cope with their grief and pain is to inflict as much grief and pain as they possibly can upon everyone else while singing the national anthem and putting flags everywhere they will stick. Pockets of pointless territorial violence continue to erupt in Northern Ireland, the Balkans, Chechnya, basically everywhere in Africa, Columbia, Peru, lots of Central America, India, Pakistan and...

You're all alone In a little shell Thoughts echoing round In a private hell You sit by yourself Absorbing your pain Gotta make a connection Let it all out again Feel people around you And the hum of a crowd The buzzing of thoughts Never sounded so loud Out on the floor Share a glance and a smile Just a little connection Makes tonight worthwhile Don't be afraid To show yourself Put your heart on your sleeve Take it off of the shelf Your pulse is racing So thoughts go slow Just remember the beat Is all you need to know Life only hurts When you live it alone So get off your butt And don't stay at home Any time before morning The night is still young There are friends to be made And songs to be sung Make a human connection Make eye contact Share a second or two That you otherwise lacked Feel the press of bodies And the heat of breath And the sounds of life With no thought of death.

Freedom calling, Come on let's go! It only lasts a moment It's Friday night It's Saturday It only last a while! Come on let's go Let's take a ride Let's flash around Up in the sky Let's dance all night Let's dance real fast We're gonna make this freedom last! You're not me You don't wanna party? Don't fool yourself I'm not waiting for you The world is calling Harder, faster Gotta live right now Tonight won't last Come on get up It's party time! No time to cry No place to whine No room to move Out on the floor? Then dance real wild And make some more! What's wrong? You wimp! It's Friday night! You've got to dance until it's light! You've got the week to get your sleep The beat's your drug And it comes cheap Come on get up Come on get up Come on get up And party! Come on get up Come on get up Come on get up And dance! Come on get up And move your butt Come on get up And party! Come on get up And shake that butt! Come on get up Let's...

You've got a dirty little secret But you never mention it Never do a thing about it Blank it from your mind But blank minds are quickly filled With the thoughts you thought you'd killed You can't destroy a problem Just by putting it away You think everyone suspects The truth is no one has a clue As paranoia claws at you They wonder just what's wrong It's just a secret not a problem Or that's what you want to think It's not really a big problem It doesn't drive you to the drink Not a problem -- wrists are smooth Not a problem -- pillow's dry So it isn't suicide But pain is still a fact of life You've got to come and let it out Rid yourself of aching doubt Don't control yourself for once And you might have some fun Bottling up problems only means you preserve them Let them air out, you don't deserve them Let the pain just blow away Why don't you come out and play? There's no such thing as an original problem The world always knows how to solve them Don't think...

It's been one long year Since I changed your world, Since you changed your view of me. It's been twelve long months Since those hurtful words, Those words that still haunt me. It's been far too long Since we really spoke, Since we shared a knowing smile. It's been ages now Since we talked alone Or walked for half a mile. It's been three long years Since I made up my mind, To change my world, to tell the truth. It was two long years 'Til I had the guts To bring that truth to you. I don't know how long It will be until We get back to where we were. Or how long it will be, 'Til we forget How much we hurt each other. I don't know how long It'll take to forgive, But I know that I'll never forget, I'll not look at you Without hearing those words, And seeing your face wet. But I miss the way You used to look, And the way we used to talk, I so miss the way We used to hug, Is it now too late for that? I cannot forget The hurtful words, I can't forget the...

We started out well We knew one another Built sandcastles And we worshipped each other But the waves came in It seems you missed the tide We were polite But knew our friendship had died You stopped listening And I declined to speak You invented My personality We saw it happen Neither wanted it to Beyond control We both let it continue Trusting me enough Just to soothe your conscience Not knowing me Your mind listened to itself You gave me freedom When it was easy Free as a bird But still tethered to your tree Finally the dream Shattered as I screamed What I had hid What you didn't want to hear I burst a bubble And you murdered my soul I felt your words Just like my heart had a hole Like nails through both hands But just a thorn in your side A dirty secret Not a problem once it hides But I didn't hide Though I did run away Can't stand to lie Don't want to cry every day I want to forgive Build sandcastles again Forget it all And that anything...

I feel for the first time an aching inside That many have spoken of and many have tried to give to me Many times I have tried to give to myself This great gift of an emptiness that one only can fill. I feel for the first time not a joy at a presence But a dull aching sorrow at the unnoted absence around my table Cold lines where arms should be arched round my back, Cool lips from the ones that my mouth feels it lacks My mind is awash with senseless emotions The product of increasingly mindless devotion to you I gave you a deep part no skill could retrieve it, And when you are absent I can no longer feel it But that pain is a joy that at last I have found Someone whose life can become closely bound to my soul Close enough that at last I can feel the great hole That should always have been there. I've known you just days and been with you mere hours But already I sense that your arms are a tower not a prison And I could be locked away for the rest of my life and fail To notice or...

As I live Every day I live my life in my own way But why is it For all that I see Nobody lives their life like me? Don't think you know me And don't pretend you care Don't say you know me 'Cause you don't know that I'm here. Here I am Special and free But isn't anybody slightly like me? I wanna be special That you must know But do I have to special and alone? Don't think you know me And don't pretend you care Don't say you know me 'Cause you don't know that I'm here. I care about Everyone But I must be the only one All the rest Don't give a damn Spend their lives hurting fellow man I try To reason it out Do they really need to scream and shout? I want To be able to see But they just won't listen to me! There's just One thing I need I need somebody who understands me All my life All that I've done Has been mistaken by everyone But now I'm no longer sure That I can take any more Maybe I'll step Down from this stand And fall back to my fellow man.

I don't know if I've ever told you The way I feel about you I don't know if it's possible To speak of what I feel I don't know if another mind can ever understand The way it feels to love someone The way it feels to hold your hand I love you more than I love my existence I love you more than anyone will see And if you say that you really love them I'll love them just for making you happy I wonder if it feels this way for everyone Is true love so strong all the time? But I want to try to give to you this feeling Love is so much more than just sublime I see you every time I think of anything I touch you every time I close my eyes I hear you in all music and all laughter I love you with each word in every line I love you more than I love my existence I love you more than anyone will see And if you say that you really love them I'll love them just for making you happy Just say the word and I'll do what you wish for Just speak to me and tell me what to do And if you say...

From the tree of life you come, A new-born bud in time�s great sun. You begin to search for light, You have not begun to fight. You�re a leaf in the endless stream That flows forever silently, And you can do no more than dream Of reaching to the peaceful sea. A bud no more, you leave the stem, To gather with the rest of them In the violent, swirling crush Of the ever-flowing rush. You think you choose the way you take, An error everyone will make. Looking ahead, towards tomorrow, You cannot see the path you follow. You�re a leaf in the endless stream That flows forever silently, And you can do no more than dream Of reaching to the peaceful sea. Now the stream is wide and swift, And you can see the growing rift Between the course you want to take And the path the river makes. Confusion soon gives way to fear, But there is no-one to hear. You�re too far from your home tree, That�s the price of being free. You�re a leaf in the endless stream That flows...

The ages come, the ages go Who knows to where the ages flow? And swept along into the past We come, our lives like to a raft Lashed together as we go On to where the ages flow We spend our lives concerned with selves We do not care about the shells Upon the shores of time's great river Events which change the flow from hither to thither, we care not of the others in our raft, our friends and brothers we care not where the great rafts go on to where the ages flow And is this right? Should this be so? Does it matter where we go? Should we try to guide our course? Against the flowing river's force Should we take our course to heart? So even though our raft soon parts And crumbles to the river's floor Our children should find all the more Courses, paths and streams to follow So they have more in the morrow So they guide to whence they go On to where the ages flow The answer's not in any doubt To make our rafts more strong and stout They must get better paths to take And...

A hundred thousand miles I've gone A million faces have I worn And never is my wanderings Have I encountered me A hundred thousand miles I've gone I've never seen, I've never sawn Even a vague semblance of My true and inner self My inner self I've never seen My inner self's a mystery My inner self is cunning, crafty Never daylight hits his face He lurks beyond the shadowline He haunts the shadows of my mind He clouds my brain like finest wine I never see the world quite right Each time I brush reality My inner self comes back for me And never will he let me see That what I do is what he wants His wants are strange and awful too He goes through me to lash at you He drives you back, he'd run you through He makes my life a living hell Now what I try to say to you Is that I know not what I do I beg you to forgive me too I know not whom I really am

He's sitting there thinking Wishing he was drinking He's thinking of the impact That he makes upon the world He hates how much effort it takes To think of what difference he makes He thinks his life is pointless And he's fearful that he's right Not a single inch he goes Makes a difference, this he knows 'Cause every single inch he moves A million more have moved before Every time he has a thought He think it's something he was taught He's never had a vision Just reflections in his head He cannot see his footprint Because he won't look behind him And he cannot see his shadow 'Cause he's giving off the light He cannot see his writing 'Cause he's looking at the paper And he cannot see that he is doing Exactly what is right Life's too full of choices Full of siren, fighting voices All so many ways to go That the path is never clear To him each way is far too tough He feels he cannot do enough The endless open space becomes A trap with no escape Each choice...

Turn around and face me, Can't you see my heart is breaking? You're cruel. The world is full of lovers, But I don't want any other, I'm a fool. I have seen you notice me, My love is plain for you to see, You're cruel. I have seen your other lovers, All those sad and bitter others, And I know that you used them, How their love let you abuse them. How can such beauty be so cruel? You're cruel, and there's nothing I can do to change you. You're cruel, But all that I can think of is you. You're beautiful, But your touch is sharp and deadly, You're wonderful, Your aroma rich and heady, You fill my thoughts, But you never think of me, Your beauty is too cruel. Your cruelty is heartless, All the worse for being thoughtless. You're cruel. I'm not within your field of view, My love does not occur to you. Cruel. The world that has been shaping me Is bending, crushing, breaking me. Cruel. You're the only cure I need, But you never take any heed. So cruel. This world took...

Life flows on so nevermind The pieces that I leave behind The bits of me you never see Will still become a part of thee Standing here outside the flow Disconnected, a sideshow The main act is going on Ringmaster doesn't know I'm gone It's a circus, no admission Once you get your mom's permission Nothing's very funny But I still feel like a clown Life's a show that I'm ad libbing Drink it in from where you're sitting Say the jokes that you liked best Then go home and ignore the rest Nothing's funny that has meaning And my show goes on, it's seeming That despite my greatest shows I make no difference to the flows Laugh on at my tragedy I now know I'll never see The inside of the big top Of the circus of your minds Life flows on so nevermind The pieces that I leave behind The bits of me you'll never see Will still become a part of thee.

Hear a rhythm roar Feel the rhythm soar Feel it take you far away from the world Feel it as it moves you Feel it as it soothes you Feel the music in your mind It's soul music And it's not the same This is real music It's a beast not tamed This is whole music No piece left out This is old music Make you scream and shout When I hear music I don't hear it like you It takes over And my thoughts are few I move to the music I can do no more My life is music There was nothing before. It's soul music And it's not the same This is real music It's a beast not tamed This is whole music No piece left out This is old music Make you scream and shout Every song wants To do the same thing They all want to make the whole world sing Take this music Let it play your role Give yourself up to the music of the soul.

There's a beauty in my life, A beauty all the world can see. A beauty that cuts like a knife, A beauty that's denied to me. The beauty has me in its grip, It's perfect, each and every way. But I can never make a slip, And give my guilty thoughts away. The beauty there is not for me, And I'm the only one that sees it. My life's a painful irony, A joke that no one else will get. I take a hundred thousand glances, Out the corner of my eye. Each day I take a million chances, But I keep up my life's great lie. A masterpiece of shape and fit, Exists for all the world to see. But I cannot gaze upon it, The ones who look can't include me. My beauty's eyes are magnetized, I barely pull my gaze away, But never will those magnet eyes Turn to my face and ever stay. Oh how I want to gaze forever At that beauty pure and sweet! How I know that I will never That ambition ever meet! Does the beauty want to face me? Does the beauty turn my way? Does the beauty wish to meet...

Are you down? Are you out? Think the world's too much to bear? Have you ever looked around And seen what's really here? We live upon a ball of rock That spins through deadly, endless night We don't fall off, though we fall down Our planet saves our lives Looking off our ball of rock A cosmic stone's throw far away We see a giant, vicious bomb Is letting out its deadly rays Our ball of rock steps in again With a shield of empty space A few conteptous beams break through And shine their light upon our face Some tiny beams that make it through Strike down into brief, fragile things Which grow and feed all other life From mortal men to mighty wings The fragile creatures spread their branches And form an endless canopy Of vibrant, pure and wondrous life. We wander through, unthinkingly The tiny beams that strike them not Beat down upon an endless sea And raise out of it every day More life than we will ever see The life falls down upon our rock The life is clean and purified Part...

Pointless Why is everything I do so Hopeless Why aren't I looking forward any more? Dumb Thoughts are all that come to mind so Numb I am, feel things only in my mind now Blank Too empty to even write this line I Thank Myself for that random sparking neuron Slow My thoughts, my actions and my life Know now that I am not happy this way Tired I'm constantly on the point of shutting down Wired With drugs that don't flip out the search dogs When did this happen what went on? Ten Seconds ago I almost gave up on this song too Sad that my life is not going the way I want Mad to think that any life would do that Jaded by first love that wasn't really love at all Hated for no good reason I can think of Want One that I can never have, the Hunt is on for another one so perfect Crying is something I no longer do Trying to do it, I can't even when I want to Not Giving up even when it seems the right thing Rot you scum, I'm gonna fight to be happy again.

Throwing copper In the hopper Carry it on Up the mountain Throw up Blow up Make an ornamental fountain Deadly Heady Fumes of smoke Life can be so much more fun if you take it as a joke Bouncing Flouncing Twirling round And being silly Odd and Unplanned Why is Earth So goddammned hilly? Make up Take up Shake up the old status quo Wake up Rake up This winter may be quite cold Fighting Liking Throwing punches Anywhere Lash out Dash out Last one out's got pain to bear Upside Downside Make things better Make things worse Oh dear Look there Last one out is in a hearse Meaning Seeming Slippery like a newborn fish In here Somewhere Find it Make a tasty dish

I'm new to you, a novelty, Another taste of what can be And you may never understand me And you may never try You don't really wanna know me You just wanna be able to say you do You just wanna be able to show all your friends That you can make friends with weirdos too You're kind to me -- you feel pity I'm not like anyone else you know But what you fail to understand is that's because I like it so You want to know all about me Or at least the int'resting secret lives Then you can impress all of your stupid friends Play expert with a million lies You don't really wanna know me You just wanna be able to say you do You just wanna be able to show all your friends That you've made friends with weirdos too I'm strange to you, I won't stick to The slot you've stuck me in I'm an idea to you, not a person And far less am I a friend You wanna crunch me down into something you know You won't hesitate to cut off what doesn't fit You don't wanna think of me in a whole new way And I'm...

Strange world Strange kid Was bright Thoughts skid Far away Out of reach He can't do and he can't teach Strange life Strange times Strange knife Strange lines Old scars New skin New parts Old sin Strange look Strange sight Strange book Dark night of the soul Of the heart Feels so old Won't play his part All an act All a show He won't work They won't know They won't care They won't see 'Cause he won't talk To anybody Sees life Through smoked glass Had friends In the past Too dark can't see The crowded place where he should be Had hopes Had dreams Saw them shattered Now screams No point No life No fun Sharp knife Wants death Too scared Too much to say Too much to share No one around To share it all No pride before The hardest fall

Don't do anything more than Once you do it twice it gets Boring lives already fill the world far too Wide loads on the road-way of Life times stuck behind them so Slow burns don't work so well Come to the new world get off the boat Is leaving without you on It's not too late to speed your life up To scratch and sniff the roses You walk by everyday Life needs a change and you can do It will seem too hard to change is too good to give up so Fast life is the only way Out side the weather's changing Times will leave you all be-hind Sight is twenty-twenty tonight The future's not so clear cut the crap and get mo-ving On-ward to the beat of your heart Land always stays with you know that you must keep it is an anchor point for you think it may be time to rise up to you to do it all now's the time to tell your thoughts don't keep coming forever.

My baby is so beautiful A boy, I think that's wonderful He'll grow up big and strong Just like his mama And I'll raise him just the right way And tell him every single day So he'll know that I know that I know better Than the whole entire world 'Cause there's (pause) nothing wrong with him [stress *wrong*] And there's (pause) nothing wrong with me And there's (pause) nothing wrong with anything [anything said fast] That I can't fix, he'll see He's growing up so tall now And his voice is getting deeper And he's gonna do the right things And I'll be the perfect keeper And he'll follow in my footsteps The ones I didn't make And I'll guide him very gently Through every choice he makes 'Cause there's nothing wrong with him And there's nothing wrong with me And he's just the perfect son He's almost as good as me But I'm hearing things about him And they just don't fit the pattern These people don't know anything They know nothing about him And I'm seeing things he's thinking I can...

These lines have borne mute witness to the story of my life all the changes in the plot and all the twisting of the knife These verses have been present To emotions high and low And to incoherent ramblings When I didn't want to go These chapters have been chronicles Of everything I am Of everything I was And of everything I plan These chapters have been leading to a climax near ahead The logical conclusion To the things that I have said But the plot was never perfect And the ending never clear The length would lie in doubt sometimes The ending would be sheer But now the words are spoken And the truth at last is shown And the ending is not perfect But at least it now is known And from here the story changes It may never seem the same I go from boy you loved so much To stranger with his name You need to know this stranger Learn what has always been true You may not know this stranger But this stranger still loves you And he cannot be alone now And he cannot...

[A] We all know The way songs go We recognise The songs the sing At least we think We know the songs They have an old familiar ring [A] We hear the prefab popsters sing We hear cliches That writers use We wonder why We keep tuned in When every word Is such old news? [3] And we hear them sing: [P] I love you, yes it's true I love you, I swear it's true I beg you please, Down on my knees [A] Does this sound Familiar? [A] A song is not An easy thing Creating them Is really tough But better yet To just shut up Then coughing up This fluffy stuff [3] Listen to them: [P] I'm in a daze, Trapped in your maze, So change your ways, 'Cause I love you Can't take this pain Driving me insane [A] These lines are all Recycled! [A] Those pretty kids In shiny suits They have their place In magazines But we crack up When the yack up About their thoughts Of artistry [3] Listen to their art: [P] I see your lies In your eyes And in the skies [A] So...

I keep searching for perfection, I keep messing things up. I think I want something more, Or do I have enough? I want to find the perfect one, I want to find the best there is, But is he really out there, And can I really be his? Will the perfect one like me, Will his feelings be real? Will I know I can trust him, When he says what he feels? Am I aiming too high? I keep falling too fast, For the wrong kind of guy, With the wrong kind of past. Just who is good enough For the rest of my life And who is good enough To bear up to my knife And am I good enough To stand up to myself Am I good enough For somebody else? I have all of these rules, I lay down in my mind, But when I play the fool, I just leave them behind. I should know better, But I act like I don't. I know I'll regret it, But I say that I won't. How can I start, If I'm not in control, If I can't stop myself, And I can't save my soul. And it's me who's to blame, for the mess that's my...

They don't know what I've been thinking Overflowing cup I'm drinking Superdrug that I've been taking Twisting all my thoughts Hearing but not listening Open eyes but they're not seeing Open minds shut tight no blinking New thoughts echoing from old Silly child what are you saying Silly brain just cool the blood Got no need to blow things open Got no need to slow the flood Older world is best today There's no other anyway Nothing new is happening So what is there to change? They don't know what I've been thinking Overflowing cup I'm drinking Superdrug that I've been taking Twisting all my thoughts Little prison made of kid gloves Kept a child by too much love Little darling please don't shove Nothing out there anyway Don't get big that's problematic Keep your brain on automatic Why must you be so erratic? You're not the one we used to love Feel the guilt for being different Feel the pain of separate living Don't let on your real intent Crush the urge of constant giving They...

Why do my songs rhyme? Why do they keep time? Why are my songs mine? Where do they come from? What are they for? You wanna know If I can cut and clip my thoughts They must not be that valuable But you are wrong About this song The thoughts arrive Already rhymed They already fit Into the mould I string them out onto the keyboard All I add is punctuation Why do I feel my songs must be pretty? Why do I want them to be in tune? Why do I write these songs in the first place? I may not know But it's not for pleasing you. Why is the timing always the same? Why must the rhyming always be so lame? Why must you always be such a pain? I must not know the answer. I write because I like to write I write because I need to I write because the thoughts arrive And I can't let them go I wish I had more imagination I wish I made songs far more different The sentiments are pure and right The rhythms need so much more effort But still the thought-forms keep arriving Shadow songs echo in my...

You can't do it, even though you want to You can't say it, you're too terrified. You can't be that, what will all the others think? You can't see that that you are blind. You can't do it, what will all the others say? Terrified if they tell you to your face But far worse then if you cannot hear them Whispered secrets to put you in your place Muffled giggles haunt your imagination Before you've even had the thought How sad the way you're such a willing slave To doing what you think you ought *** You're so desperate To be adored You can't be yourself Anymore Give up on this life Give up on this lie Give up on this day I swear it's alright [You] Don't have to read the rules To know this game You can change the board And have the world your way Throw away all the lies And only keep what you need to survive *** You admit it, you've always felt this way You can't stop the feelings, but you can hold them in The guilt you're feeling is sadly misdirected Holding back your feelings...

Graceful, slender beauty You take no heed of duty The rules are different for you 'cause the world's your friend Wrapped around your thumb The world your perfect plum Everything's so easy and your luck may never end Thoughtless around others Still everyone's your brother Your face is oh so perfect, so your life is like that too Our love makes us feel helpless You make us feel so selfless Surrounded by devotion, you're not be sure we're being true We take the weight right off you Your beauty makes us glad to But when hit by a feather now you think you break your back You make me feel so light I dream of you at night Better than to slash my wrists for having everything I lack You know that I love you I can't help but want you But you make me so angry when you assume it cannot stop You are right of course I can't resist your force But don't take us for granted and you'll make it to the top NB to self: Method: songwriting to fit within a beat is far more limiting and produces...

Now it seems so long ago The time when you were happy You can't remember being free You only know your worries I know you've got that silent feeling The person in your soul is screaming You feel trapped by your every day You want to make it go away The world goes past you every second The fingers of the future beckon You see a million little faults You want to help to cure them all But they spin past you every time You get just one and let past nine And soon a snow of problems Has become a freezing wall A spinning cell of dirty ice A touch can cut you like a knife The walls are getting thicker And you know there's no way out I know you've got that silent feeling The person in your soul is screaming You feel trapped by your every day You want to make it go away The wall is crushing, closing in Your lack of action seems a sin But even your best effort Does not seem to make a difference A world so full of injustice Is not the world you grew up in The time when you were...

This is a story of a boy There's nothing sweet or innocent about him There's no-thing evil about him He's really just a kid He's just a boy You wouldn't look twice at him He's nothing really special Just an ordinary kid He's not so popular A couple people hate him But his mother says she loves him Though his father disagrees Nobody likes him But that doesn't make him evil Just a little antisocial He needs to make new friends Anybody Can have a song about them And it makes them seem so special And it makes them feel so great But you should know That there's nothing really special If you knew anyone this well They'd seem so special too Everything about him Is decided by other people Whether they like him and they keep him Or they turn his ass away They don't really know him They just see a surface person But when he's always looking inward What surface can they see? Nobody knows him He doesn't really know himself He keeps his world on his bookshelf He doesn't go outside...

We're the third world and we suck We suck! Our lives rely on luck On luck! Our drinking water's cholera, And all our food is muck, We wish we were Ameri*ca*... 'Cause the third would really sucks We're the third world and we suck We suck! We'd kill you for a buck One buck! Our government is stupid And our government's corrupt We don't impeach our president 'Cause he's got no **** to suck And the press is censored any*how*... We're the third world and we suck We're the third world and we suck We suck! Our lives rely on luck On luck! Our money is the US dollar It's borrowed from the states We'll pay back in three thousand - one If they fix the interest rates That's if the oil will last that *long*... 'Cause the third world really sucks We're the third world and we suck We suck! Our government's kaput So duck! Bullets flying back and forth Across the capital The army's in on this one guys So better run like hell The states is gonna kick our *ass*... 'Cause the third...

I go through life I've got my ambitions I've set my goals But they seem to be shifting Everytime I turn around They move further away Is it still winning If I've broken all my rules? Is it still winning If I've lost all my cool? It may be sinning But I won't look like a fool I may be winning But it doesn't feel that way I've got my standards Well -- I did at the beginning Things got a li-dle tough I may have bent the rules Means to an end, I know But now the end has no meaning I didn't really want things To be this way Is it still winning If I've broken all my rules? Is it still winning If I've lost all my cool? It may be sinning But I won't look like a fool I may be winning But it doesn't feel that way I've seen all the others And I've seen their condition Maybe all this winning Isn't all that it seems Maybe there's no success If you don't go in kicking Then is it worth the risk Of success kicking back? Is it still winning If I've broken all my rules? Is it still...

Just a little advice Advice to help you grow Nothing very special but I thought that you should know Never to give up on trying Even when you feel naiive The homeless may carry on dying But that won't mean you no longer grieve Recently it came to me I care what happens to you Can't say it happens often, but Helping you I want to Awful though your problems are Remember they're time-soluble Don't give in to their same sin You don't want to be like them Right and sight are intertwined At least when you're so gorgeous You're living in a dreamworld and Maybe you won't wake up Other people, other worlds Never really understanding Damn I want to have your dream But not if I can't have my own People can't see anything Everything is going fine They're not looking out for you Even when you're dying Remember you can help yourself When your problems are invisible Change your mind and change your life It makes no difference to the world Carrying it all before you Always get the joke...

He's raised the only proper way Mom and dad know what they're doing He prays to god twice every day And never ever answers back He only speaks when spoken to And every night he does the dishes The Bible tells him what to do He doesn't question daddy's wishes He never questions mom or dad Because they said they're always right Doubting them is awful bad Resists temptation every night Never ever touch down there We'll tell you when you're old enough Remember always live in fear Of all that touchy-feely stuff Never reach for anyone God will guide you to your wife God wants us to help you, son We'll guide you on the walk of life Going to be a doctor, lawyer Going to make your mother proud Come straight home for dinner Sloth is a sin and not allowed Healthy body means healthy mind Exercise three times a week But don't let strength give you pride Remember what comes to the meek Meek and mild and perfect child God-fearing, godlike, no faults to see Inside anger...

It's 5am and the phone rings I knew it would be you Don't slit your wrists tonight, hun I've better things to do Than rush you to ER again And bill your mom for stomach pumps You've got friends and they love you, hun There's no reason to be in the dumps It's 2am, you're drunk again Three scared-excited in the back You've turned the headlights off again Doing 90 down an unlit track He's crazy, man, he's such a freak That's what they say about you You love all this attention but You don't know why they like you The crazy boy, he's so exciting Whatever will he think of next? Hang on to him, he's a rollercoaster And pray he doesn't break your neck You're stupid, boy, and I'm your friend I'm not daring you to jump Why is it that you only call me When you need your stomach pumped? They aren't your friends, they're spectators They've come to see your one-man show Try to start a conversation And we'll see how far that goes Maybe you are crazy, baby But not because you set that...

School was always daily torture Questions and answers and neither made sense Spent your classes looking skywards Praying for the day to end Teachers would despair of you Using you to vent frustration Sarcastic comments passed right by you Classmates giggled affirmation Always bottom of the class Disappointment led to rage First from teachers, then your parents Telling you to act your age Say sorry if you get it wrong Say sorry if they look confused Say sorry if they pause for thought Apologize or be abused You're the stupid humble girl Not so bright but so polite Everything must be your fault Everyone is always right Apologizing always helps They don't yell if they know you're sorry And everything you do is wrong You don't want to be a worry Think twice before speaking up Better not to speak at all You can't be wrong if you shut up If you're not proud then you can't fall You're the stupid humble girl Not so bright but so polite Everything must be your...

Who knows What goes on in her head Why she sings fifties tunes As she climbs out of bed Why her clothes always clash And her hair's always wild Thank god she's not married Could you think of her child? Strange girl She giggles for no reasons Gets a week-long obsession With the change of the seasons She shouts without warning And she burst into tears Bores everyone rigid With irrational fears So neurotic, how bizarre She slashes her wrists and crashes the car Floods the apartment And loses her job Disappears for three months Weds a drifter called Rob She lies About the places she's been About things that she's done About meeting the queen But she'll tell you far more Than you wanted to hear If she gets in truth mood And you give her an ear Breaks things Leaves a trail of destruction Destroys priceless heirlooms To determine their function But she makes things as well Paints astonishing art And writes beautiful songs That sing right to your heart So...

No one could know you better than him, You know all his secret dreams Together you shared your first kiss And the last one too it seems You're waiting for your second kiss You're dreaming of that day The day you share your second kiss And throw your pain away Your mother thinks you're beautiful you Grew up slowly, grew up plain He grew up quickly, a gorgeous boy Wild thing only you can tame You can calm him but never have him Forbidden fruit that you still tend You know it does no good to stare He loves you only as a friend You're waiting for that second kiss You live in hope, it brings you back The day you share your second kiss And you'll gain everything you lack Some others have tried to catch your eye But your heart won't change its tune You waste the precious years of your youth Strangers will stop calling soon His girlfriends all love the clothes he wears The ones you picked out for him He tells you what it was like last night Cruel stories, you endure...

He was such a pretty baby At ten years old a cute young thing Now he's eighteen, slim and gorgeous Waits to see what life will bring He knows how to take a compliment Blushing as their hearts race faster He hasn't got that much to say But he's learned that doesn't matter Needs no personality All he has to do is smile He's asked by using soft brown eyes Ever since he was a child Gets a lot of vacant stares No one ever listens to him Stand there blinded by his beauty He's never had a conversation If he wants to bed a girl He just has to stand like this No thought for the aftermath And no one to share secrets with Wasn't born with any talents Never needed any skills Wows them at the interviews He knows he's got looks that kill Men and women kneel before him As he climbs the money charts Working for his next promotion Stepping over broken hearts Gives his castaways to friends They mix respect with jealousy They can't beat him so they join him Hoping they reflect...

So rough, so tough, so insecure So loud, so proud, shit-scared This lad know that he's being stupid But his judgement is impaired Thirty pints of lager, mate He can really take his ale Throws up every night until The day his liver fails Loves his footie, loves his curry Scalds his tongue with vindaloo Doesn't matter how it tastes His mates can eat it, he can too Early morning, we've been clubbing Far too hard for alcopop Now it's time to start the fighting 'Cause the party never stops In his brain alarm bells ringing This is stupid, dangerous Why are kicking this kid What's he ever done to us? He can't stop or they won't like him He's got to be a lad He's got to follow but who's leading? He'll end up just like his dad Dad knows that he's patriotic 'Cause he spent a whole week's wages On his precious season ticket Doesn't know his children's ages He's got a bird, she looks alright He's knocked her over once or twice But she loves him anyway She's pregnant, so...

See her stalking, slowly, deftly Comments sliding into place A careful calculated smile Arranged upon a painted face See him stalking, quickly, surely Flashing up a wicked grin Hear the careful turn of phrase Promising a night of sin See the conversation flowing Subject swimming just below See them slip out early, quietly Not like anyone doesn't know One fantastic night of passion Two experts in the midnight arts First names only, no phone numbers Nothing with a chance to start You knew from the start it would happen this way You're a slut in everything but name Fuelling your body's hunger For another, better, younger You tell me you're looking for the one You lie and say you'll settle down You never listened when we said You wouldn't find true love in bed You're not a slut, you use protection But you're still starving for affection What is it that the last night lacked What do you miss that brings you back? I can see that you are really sure you Can find a body...

You were never the pretty girl Always heard about the party the following day Didn't know any boys that weren't relations Wouldn't know how to talk to them anyway Shy, well mannered and forgotten You'd get invited by their mothers Left alone, you'd always end up Playing with their baby brothers Lonely girl, I see you sitting Home alone again tonight Lonely girl, I see you crying Go to sleep, turn off the light Lonely girl, your life's a struggle Why is your life such a fight Lonely woman, don't know why You're still alone, it isn't right If you'd been born last century You might have said god spoke to you Joined the local convent, had A routine you could fit into Running bake sales for the church The vicar's thanks is always great There's no need to stop donating Just because your rent is late God is there and always loves you And you know that prayer can heal But there's a pain you feel inside you You want a lover you can feel Lonely girl, I see you...

Oh my god you'll never guess what happened Come quick it's a matter of life and death Oh no oh no the world is ending The excitement never ends I'm glitzy, ditzy, I'm the drama queen Spend life bouncing from crisis to crisis I make up for my life's dullness Playing up everyone else's Every day an emotional adventure Will I laugh, will I shout, or will I weep? Shall I call rescue services Who won't I talk to this week? He's life-changing, a god amongst men This could be the one, he's my new boyfriend I think this one might last forever If he's still here in September Oh my god it's a such disaster Everybody gather round comfort me I'll be the center of attention Look, I'm crying, come and see! Fabulous, amazing, oh fantastic! It's the greatest thing the world has known! Come and see my latest gadget 'Til the next fad rolls around I'm glitzy, ditzy, I'm the drama queen Spend life bouncing from crisis to crisis I make up for my life's dullness Playing up everyone...

I never know what to say Never know how to act Don't know when to speak Or how to react I've got some friends They love me to death They laugh at my jokes While I hold my breath I'm scared of new people And I don't like big crowds I prefer to be silent So please don't be loud I've always been shy Keep my thoughts in my head But I don't want to be lonely Does that have to be said? You know what I mean Do I have to explain? I'd rather not cry I'll just deal with my pain I'd love to be liked And I'd like to be loved But I don't want to push you And I hate being shoved Just look in my eyes And you'll hear what I say I know that you would If you'd just turn my way I like being quiet And I like peaceful places But please don't forget me One of those nameless faces I want you to know me And not have to remind you And we could have long talks Let my intelligence blind you But I've always been shy Ever since I was young So I'll keep sitting here And keep...

The arena was vast, and dimly lit by the rays of the dying sun reflecting as a velvet haze from low clouds hanging in the dusky sky. Hundreds stood or sat there, thinly spaced across the arena, watching each other with a mixture of distrust and grudging respect. Many turned in the direction of the dias in the east, where Lady Deborah sat. There Lord Seldolivaw knelt in the dry dust before the dias; Lady Deborah stood and smiled down at him, an eyebrow slightly arched in interrogation. "My lady," he said, "it has been too long since we last spoke." "Indeed, young Lord," she replied, "but what news do you bring for me?" "All is not well in the realm, my Lady. A tide grows against me, even in my own lands. A dark force acts against me. I plead for your assistance," he said. "Stand, Lord Seldolivaw," she said, "I will consider your request. Will you stay and discuss it further?" Lord Seldolivaw stood. The dust which stained his closely-fit leggings fell away, and ran from between his shapely toes to...

(I like Shield best, but isn't it already the name of some kind of superhero group from D.C. comics?) General idea: Satellite probes are tracing an inbound comet/asteroid/whatever on a collision course with earth. Story sounds like Armageddon, except true level of unpreparedness for such an endeavour is revealed: all we do is throw missiles at it. They comet DODGES the missiles, keeps on coming. Turns out to be enormous but insubstantial, rips through earth with almost no effects other than really killer special effects (lights etc., whatever). In its wake, five teenagers (yay! Youthful-heroes story sans Power Rangers! At last!) are left contacted with the knowledge that the passing comet was the survivors of an alien race fleeing destruction by a more powerful race which is agressively colonising planets rich in heavy metals. The Agressors (should that be their name?) are in hot persuit, so they can only help planets that they happen to pass in their flight, and only help them insofar as they can...

I briefly debated whether or not to name-and-shame my former school on this page. Not, you understand, because I had any qualms about laying into the hellhole that was my school, but because it would provide a possible link to me in the real world that I don't control: all the other links to me provided by the site and the Internet in general are under my own control -- basically, they're all e-mail addresses. But nobody currently at my old school now would know who the hell Seldo was, even if you were such a stalker as to try and get in touch with the school to find out who I am. And if you somehow were clever enough to find it out from there, well, I enjoy talking to clever people :-) I am a former student of St. Mary's College, in Port of Spain, Trinidad and Tobago. And I don't hesitate to say that I hated that school, and all the time I spent there. There are a bunch of reasons why. Facilities The first and most obvious that occurs to me is the facilities available. This is not really the...